About Last Week:

Michigan scored 78 points, which is pretty hard to comprehend. So let’s try to put 78 points in context. Imagine each point is a Honda Civic.

Hot DAMN that’s a lot of Honda Civics.

Put it another way: if Rutgers got a point for…

• every passing yard;
• every rushing yard;
• every receiving yard;
• every completion;
• every Michigan penalty (offensive or defensive);
• every Michigan penalty yard (offensive or defensive);
• every first down gained;
• every 3rd down conversion;
• every 4th down conversion;
• every turnover caused, and
• every point scored

…they would have scored 77 points.

The Road Ahead:

Illinois (1-4, 0-2 B1G)

Last week: Lost to Purdue, 34-31 (OT)

Recap:

Oh Lovie, no. Noooooo no no.

We’re not going to talk about this game, other than to say that (a) it featured a triple-icing of the Illinois kicker at the end of regulation (which worked), and (b) it was bad and the teams should feel bad. This was essentially Rutgers playing Rutgers. Hopefully Illinois has a better performance this weekend against OH DAMMIT NO THEY’RE PLAYING ACTUAL RUTGERS. Yeah, we’re not talking about that game either.

Woe unto the MGoStaff who have to break down Illinois film next week.

This team is as frightening as: A Tim Beckman team. Is that mean? That seem mean. But I stand by it. Fear Level = 2

Michigan should worry about: After Wes Lunt got knocked out, Chayce Crouch (yes, that is a real name) threw for 142 yards at over 10 yards per pass and carried the ball 17 times for 137 yards. Granted, it was against Purdue, but maybe they found a non-Wes Lunt option?

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Illinois’ rushing defense is #119 overall in S&P+. Purdue had 10 yards on 27 rushing attempts against Maryland. They had 231 yards on 41 carries against Illinois.

When they play Michigan: Both teams will get some fresh air.

This week: at Rutgers, noon, ESPNNEWS (Sadness -77.5)

[Hit the JUMP for a preview of the electric atmosphere Michigan will face in East Lansing]

Michigan State (2-3, 0-2 B1G)

Last week: Lost to BYU, 31-14

Recap:[Note: this section has a suggested soundtrack]

The crowd was stirring. Sure, they were down by ten. And sure, through three quarters they had shown the offensive vigor of one of those capsules that you sink in water, and a dinosaur sponge emerges. But that was about to change. It was Johnny Moxon time. Shane Falco time. Paul Crewe time (the Lansing native Burt Reynolds version, not the freeking Mr. Deeds version). The chant started low, Rudy style. But it grew. Te-rry... Te-rry… TE-RRY… TE-RRY…

Aw hamburgers. I guess sometimes the backup is the backup for a reason.

This was a bad game for Michigan State. They actually led at halftime without Malik McDowell, but BYU put up 28 points in the last 20 minutes to walk away with it. BYU stomped MSU on the ground on both sides of the ball, rushing for 260 yards at 5.3 yards per carry and surrendering only 85 yards at 2.7 yards per carry.

Now MSU is back where they were at the beginning of the 2013 season, with three quarterbacks listed as co-starters. Two major differences now, though: Michigan State is halfway through the season, and seem to be getting farther from an answer, and they don’t have an other-worldly defense to lean on.

This team is as frightening as: We’re too close for me to talk shit now, buuuuuuut… Fear Level = 7.5? I guess?

Michigan should worry about: That 2013 Michigan State still stooooooomped Michigan.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Michigan State is allowing 8.0 yards per pass vs. FBS teams, which is dead last in the conference by 1.3 yards. Michigan is currently allowing 4.6 YPA. Jourdan Lewis is averaging GO HOME AND GET YOUR SHINEBOX yards per attempt.

When they play Michigan: The shenanigans end now.

This week: vs. Northwestern, 3:30 p.m., BTN (MSU -4.5)

Maryland (4-1, 1-1 B1G)

Last week: Lost at Penn State, 38-14

Recap: Maryland came back to Earth in rather precipitous fashion, getting outgained 524 to 270 and surrendering 28 first downs while gaining only 11. The first half was actually competitive, with Maryland cutting their deficit to 17-14 with under a minute left. However, they allowed the dumbest end-of-half drive in the history of timekeeping:

…and never came close again.

Not all is lost for D.J. Durkin, however. Maryland still has very winnable games against Minnesota, MSU, Indiana, and Rutgers. This team could still win 7 or 8 games. And after what we’ve seen from the other first year Big Ten coach coming over from a division rival, things could be a looooooooot worse.

This team is as frightening as: Competent Illinois. Fear Level = 3.5

Michigan should worry about: Maryland has cut their turnovers WAY down from last year; through five games, they have 4 turnovers. Last year, they lost an average of three turnovers PER GAME.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Both S&P+ and the Transitive Property of Football have this game as slightly favoring Michigan.

When they play Michigan: Illinois might score with an explosive running play. But that's probably the only way they score.

This week: vs. Minnesota, noon, ESPNU (Maryland -4.5)

Iowa (4-2, 2-1 B1G)

Last week: Won at Minnesota, 14-7

Recap: Sludgefart. SO much sludgefart. Sludgefart as far as the eye can see. Iowa outgained Minnesota 4.46 yards per play to 4.32 yards per play. By way of comparison, the lowest average for any team (non-Rutgers division) in the country this year is Vanderbilt, who averages 4.47 yards per play. The game featured 15 punts, 6 turnovers, and two touchdowns. Big Ten? Big Ten.

Iowa actually trailed 7-6 in this game until Akrum Wadley busted off a 54 yard touchdown run with 5:28 left. In terms of basic stats, advanced stats, and the bleeding eyeball test, the Hawkeyes are mediocre at best. How did a team so that was so unstoppably dominant last year come to such a fate?

This team is as frightening as:

Same as it ever was. Fear Level = 6

Michigan should worry about: They have a very good power success rate, meaning they are good at converting 3rd or 4th and short on the ground.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Good luck using that as a strategy against Michigan in short yardage situations, champ.

When they play Michigan: Kirk Ferentz will be the coach. FOREVER. FOREVER.  FOREVER.

This week: at Purdue, noon, ESPN2 (Iowa -11.5)

Indiana (3-2, 1-1 B1G)

Last week: Lost at Ohio State, 38-17

Recap: Alas, the chaos never really took hold. Indiana cut Ohio State’s lead to 7 points late in the first half, and again in the 3rd quarter, but they ran out of gas and only managed to move the ball 22 yards on their last 6 possessions. Still, they forced Ohio State into a season high six punts and two turnovers, which is very impressive considering where the defensive season they had last year.

This team is as frightening as: Fugu.

Fear Level = Poison... poison... tasty fish.

Michigan should worry about: The chaos does not sleep. It waits.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: This has the makings of a trap sandwich game. Mmmmmm… trap sandwich…

When they play Michigan: Some ridiculous shit will happen. It has been foretold. 

This week: vs. Nebraska, 3:30 p.m., ABC (Nebraska -4.5)

Ohio State (5-0, 2-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Indiana, 38-17

Recap: Ohio State looked mortal on Saturday. Not like a regular mortal, of course. Like, if you saw a guy walking down the street, and you said to yourself, “yep, that’s a regular human… who looks like he could beat the everloving shit out of most people.”

This team is as frightening as: What part of "Armageddon 2" sounds unfrightening? Fear Level = 9

Michigan should worry about: Ohio State is averaging 323 yards at 6.37 yards per carry. They have the #3 rushing S&P+ rushing offense, the #1 adjusted line yards, and the #1 power success rate. They also don’t get behind the sticks at all; they have the #2 stuff rate in the country, and they have only surrendered 6 tackles for loss on their 251 non-sack QB carries.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Ohio State seems to have a bit of a JT Barrett problem. Barrett threw for 9.0 yards per game as a freshman. He threw for 6.7 yards per pass as a sophomore, which everyone seemed to attribute to the crazy Cardale/JT spinning wheel of quarterbacks. This year, Barrett threw for 349 yards at 11.3 yards per pop in the opener (against an abomination of a Bowling Green team), and since then he has averaged 6.9 yards per attempt. Those aren’t bad numbers, of course, but they aren’t otherworldly either.

When they play Michigan: You will vomit. I will vomit. We will all vomit.

Objects in the Rearview Mirror

Hawaii (3-3, 2-0 MWC)

Last week: Won at San Jose State, 34-17

Recap: Hawaii put up huge numbers on a team whose brain trust includes Al Borges, Ron English, and Dan Ferrigno. And surprisingly, that does not count as a “quality win.” But if it’s any consolation to Hawaii, the Rainbow Warriors are now above Rutgers in the S&P+ rankings, and they are actually closing on Michigan State with remarkable speed.

This week: vs. UNLV, midnight

UCF (3-2, 1-0 AAC)

Last week: Game vs. Tulane postponed due to hurricane; to be made up November 5

Recap: Unlike the brilliant minds at North Carolina State and Notre Dame, the good folks at UCF were able to look at a giant hurricane on the weather map and say, “huh… that’s a hurricane.”

I do not say this as a compliment. Sure, playing football in a hurricane is dangerous for players and fans and… well, humans. And sure, it pulls needed resources from elsewhere during a crisis. But it is also makes for FREEKING AMAZING FOOTBALL.

I encourage you to watch that whole game. It is amazing in many, many ways. Above all, it makes you wonder “what kind of purple maniac would call for 26 passes out of the shotgun in these conditions and then complain about his center snapping the ball poorly?”

This week: vs. Temple, 7:30 p.m., ESPNU (UCF -3)

Colorado (4-2, 2-1 Pac-12)

Last week: Lost at USC, 21-17

Recap: Before the season, Colorado fans probably would have been quite pleased with the prospect of a four-point loss at USC. Still, this one probably wasn’t as close as the score would indicate. Colorado was outgained by nearly two yards per play, and only hung around because USC turned the ball over four times to Colorado’s one turnover. So, unfortunately, the dream of Inevitably 11-1 Colorado has died before it could ever come to be.

But wait… what’s this?

10-2 COLORADO IS TOTALLY HAPPENING.

This week: vs. Arizona State, 8:00 p.m., Pac-12 Network (Buffs -13.5)

Penn State (4-2, 2-1 B1G)

Last week: Beat Maryland, 38-14

Recap: I am of two minds here. Part of me wants to continue to assume Penn State is terrible, because that is funny to me. James Franklin as Less Interesting Mike Leach Without A System is a fun idea. And of course the idea of JoePa apologists receiving their just deserts carries an obvious appeal. Plus, given the result from Saturday, Penn State being bad would mean that the Maryland game will probably the walkover we assumed preseason.

On the other hand, what if Penn State is okay? Or even good-ish? After all, they’re 4-2, and a look at their schedule probably has then winning 8-ish games. They’re all the way up to #17 in the country in S&P+. In non-Michigan games, they are throwing for 8.7 yards per attempt. They’re scoring 34.6 points-per-non-Michigan-game.

If Penn State is good, that would make Michigan’s resume look a little better. It would make that throttling from a couple of weeks ago even more impressive. And it would give some vague hope that Penn State can knock Ohio State off for us. Objectively, I think we’d rather have Penn State be better than we expected.

…

Nah, let’s stick with Penn State sucking.

This week: Bye

Wisconsin (4-1, 1-1 B1G)

Last week: Bye

Recap: College Gameday will be in Madison this weekend. Let’s hope Bucky can do us a solid.

This week: vs. Ohio State, 8:00 p.m., ABC (OSU -10.5)