PUNT
By Bryan MacKenzie
It’s an honor to follow in the footsteps of Ken “Sky” Walker and Heiko “Never Picked a Nickname” Yang, and I look forward to working with Nick. Punt/Counterpunt has graced the pre-game routines of countless Michigan fans over the last two decades, myself included. I remember some of my earliest trips to the Big House, when the first thing I did after plopping down in my seat was to flip to see Ken’s and Nick’s thoughts on the game. I would then call whoever made the more pessimistic prediction an idiot. They alternated in this role; sometimes it was Ken, and sometimes it was Nick. And even when the more pessimistic take was ultimately correct, said author was still an idiot. And probably jinxed the whole thing with their pessimistic juju. Look what you did, idiot. Michigan just lost because of you.
Such is the nature of fandom. You respect the superstitions. You don’t talk about a no-hitter during a no-hitter. You wear your Lucky Game Shirt even if your team is 2-7, on the off chance it suddenly makes Nick Sheridan an unstoppable throw-god. You don’t bring up 2007 before a season opener. I guest-Punted last year’s MSU P/CP, and I still feel bad about it. So I promise to do my best to not mess anything up this year, because this promises to be a HELL of a season.
The good news for me in stepping into this role is than now I get to assume Nick is the idiot 100% of the time. And the good news for everyone else is that, having read my stuff for a while, you all know that I am the idiot. It’s win-win.
Fortunately, this week’s game provides less opportunity for idiocy than normal. Michigan is a 40-point favorite against a team that is flying across seven time zones after spending the previous week in Australia. The biggest questions this week are “will Hawaii score?” and “how high will the rubble bounce?” Such questions do not lend themselves to declarations of “told you so.”
Yes, Michigan beats Hawaii. They beat Hawaii by a lot. The extent of the devastation will come down to how early Michigan lets off the gas, and whether they even slow down once that happens. Hawaii turned the ball over five times against an awful Cal defense, so there’s a good chance Michigan either scores on defense or ends up with multiple short fields. Hawaii gave up 9 plays of 20+ yards against Hawaii, most of which were the result of poor tackling and the Rainbow Warriors exhibiting the gap integrity and situational awareness of a Roomba. This is not a recipe for success and glory against a Harbaugh offense. Vanilla Garbage Time Michigan Offense is still likely to run all over this undersized, jetlagged, not-that-good-to-begin-with Hawaii team. And given Michigan’s depth on defense, it’s hard to see that side of the ball going much better as the game wears on.
So, my answers are “eh, maaaaybe?” and “quite high, thank you very much.” Michigan 49, Hawaii 3
COUNTERPUNT
by Nick RoUMel
Yes, Punt, there is a way for Hawai’i to beat Michigan.
There are certain results that cling to one’s memory like a leech. There’s Kordell Stewart’s Hail Mary to beat Michigan in 1994, Appalachian State in 2007, and something that happened last year in the Big House on October 17, 2015. One wishes fervently to Spotless Mind these events. Jack London once wrote, “To be able to forget means sanity.” Friedrich Nietzsche one-upped London, asserting “Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.”
But for Hawai’i coach Nick Rolovich, it wasn’t enough to merely forget Michigan’s 49-3 shellacking on September 3, 2016. He wanted a thorough do-over.
The embarrassment was so acute. Nearly 113,000 screaming fans, on an achingly beautiful late summer afternoon in Ann Arbor, celebrated Michael Jordan, Jumpman, and a thumping defeat of Rolovich’s Rainbow Warriors.
Shockingly, Hawai’i struck first. Taking the opening kickoff, a nifty drive surprised the Wolverines with a field goal. It temporarily silenced the home crowd, but that was all they had. As the police officer told Clark Griswold about his forgotten puppy, “Poor little fella, the first mile or so he tried to keep up with you, but after that ...”
Yes, “after that.” In response to Hawai’i’s opening drive, the Wolverines were merciless: scoring touchdowns on 6 consecutive drives until emptying the bench, even giving Jordan a try at a field goal for the longest three-pointer of his career. (He missed.) Embarrassed, and exhausted from their travels halfway around the world, the Warriors could not be consoled in the locker room by their new coach.
Rolovich thought back on the humiliation - not just of the football game - but of being jilted by Coach Harbaugh’s refusal to give him film of Michigan’s scrimmage. While Rolovich claimed later he was joking, it was a lame attempt to cover the pain of rejection.
“What if I could have seen the game film?” Rolovich wondered. “Would it have made a difference?” Or was it all the travel that tired us out so much, including going back-and-forth over the International Date Line?” He drummed his fingers, then stopped cold. The idea was so bright it blinded him from the inside.
Furiously, he acted. He chartered a plane as quickly as possible, and arranged for provisions to be stocked for a long trip. Gathering his players, he steeled himself to go back in time. “Men, we’re going back to Australia.” Puzzled, the 0-2 Rainbow Warriors thought their coach daft. But by the second west-to-east journey, they’d already gone back a day and a half -but not before they managed to dissect a video replay of the Michigan game, play by play.
By the time the plane reversed course, went back east-to-west, and landed in Detroit Metro, they were ready. A bewildered Coach Harbaugh said afterwards, “It was like they knew exactly what we were going to do on every play.” Michigan’s superior talent almost saved the day, but the Rainbow Warriors hung on for the shocking win.
Coach Rolovich smiled. This was even better than forgetting.
HAWAI’I 21, MICHIGAN 20
P.S. Welcome Bryan!