Geoffery Presser 9-24-19

Can you describe the incident from your point of view?

I was aware I was not aware of a situation that may or may not have developed near the Legos.

There was a small child in the aisle who was playing with a sample set of your newest product.

"FunShards!"

FunShards. Could you describe FunShards?

It's a agglomerated unit of lego fragments or "Fraggers™" deployed for maximum funization. Our current retail activation is just $19.99 for a FunPile™!

It sounds like this is just a pile of sharp plastic fragments.

Parents have always had to worry about whether their child will break their toys moments after they open them. Not at Toys R Us, where our motto is "we break the unbroken."

Does it bother you that that kind of motto is something that the Nazis definitely would have used if they had any MBAs?

Great question, Drew. Great question.

If we can get back to the incident. The child was in the aisle, playing with a sample of your jagged shards of plastic…

"Jaggies™" were given an award by the Underwriters Laboratory.

I thought they were Fraggers?

Oh no, Fraggers are totally different. Fraggers are agglomerated units of lego fragments.

What was this award for?

Fun.

It was in fact for "Least Good Idea Ever."

That doesn't seem to be a question.

The child was in the aisle, playing with some Jaggies, when your new mascot appeared and… let me just get the police report out… "unrolled his three-foot-long, pestilential tongue while its pus-filled eyes popped out of its sockets."

ScareBear™ is a revolutionary innovation in the mascot field.

The child naturally bolted, except he was standing on bits of broken lego. He fell to the ground. When he got back up he was… "bleeding profusely and covered in plastic shrapnel," says this uncommonly evocative police report. What was your reaction to this sight?

He seemed fine.

He passed out in a pile of plastic and his own vomit.

I guess we'll get the backup kid out here.

This police report says you told them the kid was completely uninjured and totally fine.

In my experience over the last four years, most children are covered in shards of lego, bleeding, and unconscious.

Do you remember anything before the last four years?

Please… please kill me.

Excuse me? 

It's all in the statement.

You seemed to have a moment of lucidity in which you asked us to murder you.

It's all in the statement.

We haven't received a statement.

Just use the one from the last time this happened.

We haven't received that one either.

JUST USE ANY OF THEM FROM ANY OF THE INCIDENTS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST

IS THIS HELL WHAT DID I DO I JUST SIGNED UP FOR A CRAPPY MINIMUM WAGE JOB AND NOW EVERY DAY IS BLEEDING VOMIT CHILD FOLLOWED BY BLEEDING VOMIT CHILD PRESS CONFERENCE

I MUST BE IN HELL THIS IS WHY I CAN'T DIE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY

On the bright side, at least you've been immortalized in Toys R Us's latest product?

Drew. Drew, come here. Drew, you've called me a Nazi at a bleeding vomit child press conference every day for the last four years. Drew, I am a Nazi. I do not have any arms or opposable hooves or anything with which I can self-harm. Drew, I need you to strangle me to death. We've been through so much together.

Don't tell him. Drew, don't tell him.

Don't tell me what?

Geoffery, I strangled you to death yesterday. And the day before. And they day before that.

So this is hell.

This is hell.

I discover this every day.

You discover this every day.

Who could have devised such a diabolical punishment for a simple giraffe who only wanted to eat acacia trees?

He goes by many names.