Punt-Counterpunt: Indiana 2014

1975 Indiana was the last <100 k crowd

TRICK

by Heiko “4AD” Yang

/adjusts tie

Dear President Schlissel and Interim Director Hackett, please consider as this my formal application to the position of Director of Intercollegiate Athletics at the University of Michigan.

First I would like to recognize and thank Dave Brandon for the tremendous work that he did during his tenure. Revolutionizing the Michigan Stadium experience was no small feat. If hired, I will appoint Special K to be Brandon’s personal DJ for life so that he may continue to enjoy the sounds of Saturday, everyday.

I believe I am strongly qualified for this position because like Bo Schembechler, I am from Ohio. I was the “manager” of an intramural flag football team once, but I would like to highlight that I have never been the CEO of anything. I would relate well to students because I am currently a student. I would relate well to fans and alumni because I am not a dick.

My vision for the athletics department is comprehensive, but due to the lack of issues regarding any other sport, I will highlight only my plan for the football program:

To improve the game-day experience, I will fix the annoying half-second delay between the marching band’s live sound and the amplified sound. With Special K gone, the onus of playing Seven Nation Army will fall on the band, and it is awkward when people sitting near midfield don’t know which half-beat to wave their pompoms to. Also, I will make food available at the end of games. Postgame hotdogs improve morale and fan satisfaction by making wins feel better and losses hurt less.

To generate revenue in a way that doesn’t involve raising ticket prices, I will sell tickets after halftime to account for the people who either never showed up or decided to leave early. Those vacant seats will be available at a heavily discounted price, and this plan would have the additional benefit of increasing attendance and making the stadium look less empty during blowouts. I will also continue to sell food at the end of games (see above).

I have other qualifications that would be an asset to the athletic department given the current public relations climate. The University of Michigan has faced significant criticism recently regarding the health of student athletes. You will be comforted to know that I am well versed in the signs and symptoms of common medical conditions such as ebola and concussions. For everything else I have access to Wikipedia. With improved stadium Wi-Fi, no diagnoses will be missed, and I assure you that I will not hesitate to release medical statements on Twitter during waking hours.

I am aware that the football team may need a new head coach at the end of the season. While I cannot promise that I would be able to get Jim Harbaugh if such a change were to occur, I would like to suggest a coaching candidate that has been thus far overlooked: former offensive coordinator Al Borges. Coach Borges piloted some of the most exciting offenses at Michigan and put up record performances against Ohio State. Devin Gardner was briefly a Heisman candidate under his tutelage, and his regression after coach Borges’s dismissal is a testament to his coaching value. I strongly believe that I can use my established relationship with him to talk him out of retirement and then use my clout as athletic director to convince him to call more bubble screens.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing your response.

Sincerely,

Michigan 24, Indiana 13 

TREAT

By Nick RoUMel

Treat!

That was a full-size Snickers bar, plus a kiss on the cheek from the slightly tipsy mom dressed as sexy Dennis Norfleet. It was biting that bobbing apple on the first try, winning the scratch-off, or getting that job. It was jubilation in the streets, celebrating the despot’s overthrow.

It was the Maizey-est, Blue-est, sweetest gift to kick off the Hallowe’en weekend ever. Sure, it cost $3,000,000. But … wow … thanks Uncle Mark. It was worth it.

What will Dave Brandon do now? Rumor has it he’ll lie low for a while, first to collect his golden parachute, then buy a football franchise to run with Matt Millen. Matt will cover personnel; Dave public relations (and toppings). Their team’s coach, of course, will be Brady Hoke - whom I hear is a great motivational speaker.

In the meantime, joyously sick from too many Hallowe’en treats, we battle with the hapless Hoosiers on Homecoming. Woe be the Hoosiers, whose offense is as dangerous as the extras in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video. They should score about oh-say zero points, if not fewer.

When Michigan is on offense, expect most plays to be without turnovers, including some positive gains. Fans will be on the edge of their seats, tense from multiple 2nd and 8s, followed by 3rd and 7s, watching plays that look like a Family Circus cartoon:

But we fans won’t care. We’ll lustily cheer like it was Anthony Carter vs. Indiana in 1979. (This was not only the greatest play ever, but it was preceded by the greatest play to ever spark an NCAA rule change. As an added bonus, it caused then-Hoosier coach Lee Corso to ever hate Michigan):

We have no worries because we’re HAPPY (Brian - do NOT insert Pharrell’s “Happy” video here. I would lose so much faith in you. It would be like accidentally seeing Mark Dantonio pet a kitten, or something).

But we are happy. Like a Big House without an AD, or a pillowcase fat with candy. And it won’t even matter that this will be the most boring game in NCAA history.

MICHIGAN 7, INDIANA 0