About Last Week:
You wreeeeeeecked me
The Road Ahead:
Penn State (4-1, 1-1 B1G)
Last game: Bye
Recap: No recap. Bye.
This team is as frightening as: We’re sticking with 2013 Michigan, right down to putting in a International War Crimes Tribunal-worthy offensive performance against Northwestern. Fear Level = 7
Michigan should worry about: 2013 Michigan could probably kick the crap out of 2014 Michigan.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: There’s no way Christian Hackenberg can be as effective as Gary Nova.
When they play Michigan: WE’RE BOYCOTTING. Or maybe not. Or maybe we’re STARTING OUT by boycotting, but then we’re going. Or maybe we’ve been boycotting for like three years by showing up late every week. I’m not really sure.
Next game: at Michigan (PSU +2), 7:00 Saturday (ALL OF THE LIGHTS), ESPN2
Michigan State (4-1, 1-0 B1G)
Last game: Beat Nebraska, 27-22
Recap: Michigan State was in full control of this game through three quarters. They led 27-3, had outgained Nebraska more than two-to-one (355-176), and had allowed only one of Nebraska’s 14 drives to exceed 40 yards. Then the fourth quarter happened.
Nebraska put together touchdown drives of 43 and 68 yards, and De'Mornay Pierson-El rreturned a Mike Sadler punt 62 yards. Nebraska eventually got the ball back at its own 20 with 1:07 left down 5* points, and completed a 43 yard pass to the Michigan State 37 before Tommy Armstrong threw a pick to effectively end the game.
This had all the hallmarks of a Sparty No, and yet Michigan State came out on top. So, you can spin this two ways: either (a) this is a positive sign for Michigan fans, as it shows Sparty still has that gene, or (b) this is a sign of continued DOOOOM for Michigan, as Sparty showed that when faced with the chance to Sparty No, this current generation of Spartans finds a way to not blow it. Based on the way this year has gone, you know where to place the smart money.
One minor thing that DID go wrong in East Lansing: most of the students bailed when the game was 27-3, causing much consternation in the Athletic Department.
Getty
Finally. A chance for Michigan to reclaim the moral high ground…
Melanie Maxwell/Ann Arbor News
Dammit. Why must we fail at every attempt at masonry.
*Can we talk game tactics for a second here? When Nebraska scored a TD with about 13:00 left to make the game 27-9, they went for two and failed. This left them down 18 instead of 17. They were trying to make the game TECHNICALLY a two score game, but 16 points is basically a 3 score game. That (combined with another failed 2 point conversion after a subsequent TD) left Nebraska down five points late instead of 3, which makes a big difference. Nebraska almost reached field goal range with just over 30 seconds left; they reached the MSU 37, which would be about a 54 yarder, so they probably only needed another 5 to 10 yards. So, I ask you: did they do the right thing?
This team is as frightening as: Super Mario. There is some debate whether Mario is currently Invincibility Star Mario or Fireball Mario, or just regular ol’ Big Mario. When you’re a Goomba, it is of little consequence.
(Michigan is the Goomba).
Fear Level = 9.93
Michigan should worry about: Tony Lippett. He’s averaging over a hundred yards receiving per game at 21 yards per catch, and has scored a TD in every game (he’s got 7 through 5 games).
Michigan can sleep soundly about: Don’t worry. It will all be over soon.
When they play Michigan: My fellow Americans, recent events have forced many fans to dig deep into their savings to cover unexpected losses. If we don’t act now, the Sparty Game Booze Trust Fund will only remain solvent for another week, leaving our most vulnerable fans at risk of severe sobriety at a crucial time. Together we must work to correct this injustice.
Next game: at Purdue (MSU -22), 3:30 Saturday, ABC
[AFTER THE JUMP: Lookin' for wins in all the wrong places...]
Indiana (3-2, 2-1 B1G)
Last game: Beat North Texas, 49-24
Recap: Indiana recovered from getting smoked by Indiana by smoking North Texas. They outgained the Mean Green 593-348. Shane Wynn finally decided that football would be a fun way to spend the afternoon, as he hauled in his first two touchdowns of the year on the way to 127 yards receiving.
Tevin Coleman scored another touchdown on another 184 total yards. He is currently averaging 193.6 total yards from scrimmage per game; no other Hoosier averages more than 80. He also has a touchdown in every game (8 in 5 games). Indiana has kept Coleman’s use very consistent; he’s received between 21 and 28 total touches in every game.
This team is as frightening as: In the name of sending good vibes to friend-of-the-program Jamie Mac, I’ll say the ‘85 Bears. Fear Level = 10.
Michigan should worry about: Coleman. Contain him and Indiana’s offense likely loses the ability to sustain drives. If he gets rolling… yeepers.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: Despite TOTALLY being the ‘85 Bears, they still aren’t… good.
When they play Michigan: Michigan will absolutely positively without a doubt need to win this one if bowl eligibility is even a faint possibility.
Next game: at Iowa (IU +6), 12:00 Saturday, ESPNU
Northwestern (3-2, 2-0 B1G)
Pat Fitzgerald: marionette master
Last game: Beat Wisconsin, 20-14
Recap: Northwestern defea… wait, that’ can’t be right. Let’s try that again.
Last game: Beat Wisconsin, 20-14
Recap: **pulls out cartridge, blows on it, restarts system**
Last game: Beat Wisconsin, 20-14
Recap: Huh. Well I’ll be damned. So apparently Northwestern really held on to beat Wisconsin. Wisconsin outgained Northwestern, but the Wildcats forced four turnovers (all picks) out of eleven real drives. UTG Trevor Siemian had a moderately efficient day (182 yards at 6.3 yards per attempt and a touchdown), but Freshman RB Justin Jackson (33 carries, 162 yards) was the offensive workhorse. He has all but supplanted senior Treyvon Green, who only got three carries on the day.
Tanner McEvoy threw for 24 yards on 10 attempts in the first half, so Wisconsin finally pulled Joel Stave out of cryo-sleep for the second half. Stave, of course, proceeded to light up Northwestern for 114 yards on 8-of-19 with a TD and three picks. All of this ruined a monster day from Melvin Gordon, who went for 259 yards on 27 carries (9.6 ypc).
Yep. That’s right. Wisconsin had a guy get 40% of the team’s touches, and that guy went for 9.6 yards per carry, and they scored 14 points. And lost.
…
Last game: Beat Wisconsin, 20-14
Sorry. Just had to check one more time.
This team is as frightening as: CHAOSTEAM. Capable of beating anyone. Capable of losing to anyone. Fear Level = 5
Michigan should worry about: Only half of that description applies to Michigan. Hint: it’s not the part about being capable of beating anyone.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: Northwestern has not cracked 400 yards of total offense in any game yet this year.
When they play Michigan:Northwestern will crack 400 total yards of offense. Because the world no longer makes sense.
Next game: at Minnesota (NW +3), 12:00 Saturday, BTN
Maryland (4-2, 1-1 B1G)
Last game: Lost to Ohio State, 52-24
Recap: Well, through two games, we know exactly where Maryland stands: firmly ahead of Indiana, and well behind Ohio State. After trouncing the Hoosiers two weeks ago, Maryland was never really in this one. They were down 31-10 at the half, and never made it remotely interesting.
Maryland is currently averaging a Bradbury; they’re getting burned for 451 yards per game. That’s second to last in the conference, ahead of only Illinois. What’s worse, Maryland may be dipping its toes into Quarterback Controversy River. CJ Brown threw for 71 yards on 18 attempts in the first half, so Randy Edsall replaced him with Caleb Rowe in the second half. Rowe completed more passes, but three of those passes went to Buckeyes. Edsall insists Brown is still the starter, but I’ve heard such things before.
This team is as frightening as: Generic Team that is Better than Indiana But Worse Than Ohio State. Fear Level = 7
Michigan should worry about: Maryland is averaging 22.5 yards per punt return (best in the Big Ten) with two touchdowns. Michigan, as you may have heard, struggles in this department.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: It will be easier to defend said punt return if, by game eleven, Michigan can figure out how to COUNT to eleven. And I’ve seen experiments where a sea slug learned to count to eleven in Mandarin if the researchers promise him (her?) enough sea slug treats. That took like a week. Michigan has like six weeks.
So I’m saying there’s a chance Michigan picks it up by then. Maybe 30%.
When they play Michigan: Michigan will win the fashion portion of the competition. Just probably not the skills portion.
Next game: Bye
Ohio State (4-1, 1-0 B1G)
This is almost ended as badly as a thing can ever end (Gail Burton/AP Photo)
Last game: Won at Maryland, 52-24
Recap: HEY LOOK ANOTHER QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY. JT Barrett was pulled from the game in favor of Cardale Jones, who completed 100% of his passes, and ran the ball for 50 yards on 6 carries.
Okay, so it was the 4th quarter of a 52-24 game, and that 100% completion was based off of 1-of-1 passing for -3 yards (say what you want about Michigan, but they’ve NEVER had a QB average negative-three yards per attempt #LeadersAndBest #GoBlue #BeatOhio). JT Barrett, meanwhile, is putting up better passing numbers than Braxton Miller ever did. Barrett is currently averaging 271 yards per game at 10.2 yards per attempt with 17 TDs and 5 INTs.
As mentioned above, this game was never close, so there is a limit to how much it tells us.
This team is as frightening as: Early Mike Tyson. Young, mean, raw, athletic, and definitely didn’t come to play school. You can say “they haven’t been in many tough fights so we don’t know much about them yet,” but the reason he wasn’t been in many tough fights is because he bludgeoned the poor bastards into semi-consciousness in the first round, which, at some point you CAN learn something from that. Like “this guy hits f***ing hard.” And there aren’t a lot of Holyfields in the Big Ten this year, so unless someone goes full-on Buster Douglas, it’s East Lansing or Bust. Fear Level = 9
Michigan should worry about: Michigan is not Evander Holyfield. Michigan is probably not Buster Douglas. Michigan is these guys.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: You won't have to think about this game for a long time. So, just forget about it for a bit. Okay?
When they play Michigan: Words like "fait accompli" and "dead cat bounce" will be bandied about.
Next game: Bye
Objects in the rearview mirror:
Appalachian State (1-4, 0-2 Sun Belt)
Last game: Lost to South Alabama, 47-21
Recap: The general theme of the Rearview Mirror section this week is “hey, look, maybe Michigan’s schedule was better than we thought, and therefore maybe Michigan isn’t as bad as we fear.”
This result does not fit that narrative. Thus, we ignore it.
Next game: vs. Liberty, 3:30 Saturday, ESPN3
Notre Dame (5-0)
Reason #72,411 we should keep playing this series: this face
Last game: Beat #18 Stanford, 17-14.
Recap: Notre Dame beat Stanford in a rainy, generally ugly affair. They outgained the Cardinal 370-205, but they needed a 65-yard drive with three minutes left to pull it out. The two teams scored 14 total points in their first 25 combined drives. The Irish held Kevin Hogan to 4.4 yards per attempt and 2 picks, and Stanford to 1.5 yards per carry.
It’s time to start preparing yourself for the fact that Notre Dame is going 11-1 this year. Their one loss will be a quality one (at Florida State). If things keep going the way they’re going in college football, Notre Dame is going to the CoFoPof. This is happening.
Next game: vs. North Carolina (ND -17), 3:30 Saturday, NBC
Miami (NTM) (1-5, 1-1 MAC)
Last game: Beat UMass, 42-41
Recap: Miami fell down 41-14 late in the first half. And then SOMETHING happened. I don’t know what. THEY don’t know what happened. Modern science doesn’t know what happened.
But it happened.
Andrew Hendrix threw for 437 yards and ran for 91 yards at 7 yards per carry. Yep, Andrew Hendrix put up 528 yards of total offense. That’s more than Denard EVER put up in a game. Andrew Hendrix. The rest of the Miami team accounted for 29 yards. And he scored 5 total TDs (4 passing, 1 rushing). Andrew. Hendrix.
So, if you want to feel better, remember that Michigan held Hendrix to 165 yards. /tiny flag.
Next game: at Akron (M(NTM) +14), 2:00 Saturday, ESPN3
Utah (4-1, 1-1 PAC-12)
Last game: Won at #8 UCLA, 30-28
Recap: Utah may be the only team in history to beat a top-10 team with a starting quarterback throwing for 5 yards. The Utes replaced Travis Wilson with Kendal Thompson (you may remember him from the Michigan game as the guy with the RIDICULOUSLY long delivery who is somehow very effective).
Utah kicked a 29 yard field goal with 34 seconds left, throwing the Pac-12 into a full-on clusterf***. Not like the Big Ten, though. The Pac-12 one is more “a whole bunch of undifferentiated good teams,” where the Big Ten is more “stack of paper clips and stale Nilla wafers.” The only team undefeated in Pac-12 conference play is… Arizona.
Next game: Bye.
Minnesota (4-1, 1-0 B1G)
Last game: Bye
Recap: No recap. Bye.
Next game: vs. Northwestern (Minn -3), 12:00 Saturday, BTN