About Last Week:

Melanie Maxwell/Ann Arbor News

I went back.

I don’t know why I went back. The pluie de grâce had so mercifully released us all from any sense of obligation. Despite being the most literal example possible, there would be no talk of “fair-weather fans” after this one. Long after the weather suggested we leave, and even longer after our souls begged us to leave, Carl Grapentine demanded that we leave. Eventually I emerged from the rain at the Blue Tractor. I partook of food and drink with friends. We spoke about it as the most dispiriting game we had ever attended, which is a high (and ever-rising) bar to clear. We listed the things we would rather do than watch any more of that game. We spoke of our kids and our jobs and our lives. We had moved on.

And then we went back.

From even before we slogged up the Stadium stairs until the moment I write this, I have been trying to figure out why. No sane person would do this. I have a home with dry clothes and warm blankets. I have a television that displays other, better football games. I have two dogs that love attention and never turn the ball over. I have a loving wife and a fun little toddler and a brand new baby girl. Game traffic had cleared. The game was over in all but the most technical sense. There was nothing preventing us from escaping to a more comfortable place, both physically and mentally.

But we went back.

Maybe we went back because we thought, deep in some deranged recesses of our waterlogged brains, that Michigan could actually win that football game, or at least that something would happen that we would have been glad to have seen. Maybe it was to support the players. Maybe it was to collect the ultimate Fandom Endurance badge: the kind of ultimate trump card that can be played when speaking of the trials and tribulations of Michigan Mandom. Maybe I am secretly a football hipster (see: the fact that I write about the Big Ten every week). Maybe it was sheer morbid curiosity; surely as Rome burned, some Romans remained on the seven hills overlooking the city and observed in awe the awesome downfall. Maybe I went back because I really, truly love the Big House, and the actuarial tables tell me there are only 400 or 450 home games left before I am no more.

But I think I went back because I wanted there to have been a reason. I went back because I couldn't stand the prospect that I could watch a football at Michigan Stadium and walk away feeling like there hadn't been a reason. But sitting here a week later, I can't tell you why I was there.

We keep coming back. But the reasons are becoming harder to find.

The Road Ahead:

Minnesota (3-1, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat San Jose State, 24-7

Recap: 1 for 8. Seven yards. Zero touchdowns. One interception. Against a GERG defense. And a 17-point win.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

As you can tell, from the lede, Minnesota completely abandoned any hint of a running game. Chris Streveler is many things, but he is unlikely that he will wrest the “Unstoppable Throw-God” title from Trevor Siemian any time soon.

Minnesota only passed for the total distance of a pretty makeable putt, but they rushed for 380 yards on 58 carries. David Cobb rushed for 207 yards, and Streveler tacked on 161 yards at 8.9 yards per carry. They mixed in all of the usual dual-threat running game stuff, including traditional zone read, inverted veer, belly, and QB lead/iso.

In theory, they are a really favorable matchup for Michigan. Who wants odds.

This team is as frightening as: A very, very poor man’s 1990’s Nebraska. Fear Level = 0*

Michigan should worry about: Maxxxxxx Williams. He’s averaging 18.3 yards per catch, and has two of Minnesota’s three receiving touchdowns. Michigan’s safeties haven’t been fantastic, and we still haven’t seen all that much from Michigan’s linebackers in coverage, so Maxxxxxx could be a problem.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Maxxxxxx only gets the ball through the air. Which… yeah.

When they play Michigan: WHO WILL START FOR EITHER TEAM? THE INTRIGUE IS SO EXCITING.

Next game: @ Michigan (Minn +12, which, wow?)), 3:30 Saturday, (ABC/ESPN2)

*Fear is for the living.

[AFTER THE JUMP: We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.]

Rutgers (3-1, 0-1 B1G)

You’ve still got Gary Nova. So… (AP)

Last game: Beat Navy, 31-24

Recap: You’re looking to draw conclusions from a game against a service academy. This is a fool’s errand. Rutgers won. That’s all you need to know.

The bigger takeaway was that Rutgers lost Paul James to a torn ACL. This is a major, major loss for the Knights. He was their leading rusher (he accounted for more than half of their rushing yards, and had an average of almost 1.5 YC higher than the other backs) and their second leading receiver. He scored 7 of Rutgers’ 15 TDs.

This team is as frightening as: Replacing your 5th year senior starting quarterback with a true sophomore who is 7-20 with 2 picks on the season. Fear Level = 0

Michigan should worry about: Gary Nova. Because WHY NOT.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: The absence of James. You hate to see a guy hurt (especially a nice story and hell of a back like James), but he was the most important piece of that offense.

When they play Michigan: I don't even want to contemplate this, because it feels like 2013 Penn State. A LOT like 2013 Penn State. Have your pitchforks sharpened and your torches properly... uh... entorcheled.

Next game: vs. Tulane (RU -12), 12:00 Saturday (ESPNews)

Penn State (4-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat UMass, 48-7

Recap: AHEM.

/taps microphone

Penn State ran the ball. I repeat, PENN. STATE. RAN. THE. BALL.

After rushing for a total of 227 yards (at under 2.5 yards per carry) against the murderer’s row of UCF, Akron, and Rutgers, Penn State ran for 228 yards and five touchdowns at 5.1 yards per carry against UMass. Terrible opponent? Sure. But so was Akron (they gave up 7.7 yards per carry to Marshall last week), and Penn State couldn’t do crap against them. Hackenberg did get sacked twice, but that’s below their season average. Baby steps.

Defensively, Penn State held UMass to 3 total rushing yards, and even after sacks were removed they only reached 28 yards on 25 carries.

This team is as frightening as: Sticking with "2013 Michigan." That's the version of Not Very Good Michigan that had a functional, non-broken quarterback. Even when he was broken. Lucky bastards. Fear Level = 0

Michigan should worry about: Penn State has only surrendered two passing TDs in four games. Michigan is… struggling to throw the ball. This is a problem.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Michigan is undefeated in home night games. Assuming you don’t count last week as a night game. Because if you do, they are very much not undefeated.

When they play Michigan: Willie Henry will score another touchdown. It will be his fifth on the season.

Next game: vs. Northwestern (PSU -11), 12:00 Saturday (BTN)

Michigan State (2-1, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Eastern Michigan, 73-14.

Recap: Thegood news for Eastern was that they threw for 115 yards (a season high) at 4.0 yards per attempt (also a season high) and two touchdowns (a season high… by two). The bad news was, like, the scoreboard stuff.

This is one of those games where you can just look at the box score and make up all the fun tidbits you want. Despite kicking off first, MSU was up 21-0 less than halfway through the first quarter. They scored the first 56 points. They picked up the first 20 first downs. They were up 56-0 BEFORE surrendering a first down. They outgained EMU 320-1 in the first half. Eastern’s leading rusher had nine yards.

So let us discuss Eastern Michigan football for a moment.

Wait. Never mind. That sounds like a terrible idea.

This team is as frightening as: I don't want to talk about it. Fear Level = 0

Michigan can sleep soundly about: MichiganState has actually had some coverage busts in the back end this year. It was understandable against Oregon, but EASTERN? Sparty may be somewhat vulnerable in the vertical passing game.

Michigan should worry about: what is “vertical passing game” and how many does it cost

When they play Michigan: They can’t make me go and tell me I can’t bring my jug of moonshine with the “XXX” on the side. This is America.

Next game: vs. Wyoming (MSU -31), 12:00 Saturday (ESPN2)

Indiana (2-1, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Missouri, 31-24. For realsies.

Recap: Wait, what am I supposed to do with all of this snark? Seriously, I set aside a pile of snark every week for Indiana, and this week’s shipment is going to go to waste. Maybe I can sell it as “slightly used wittiness” on eBay.

The Hoosiers put together a 75-yard touchdown drive with 2:20 remaining to win. Tevin Coleman was once again fantastic, rushing for 132 yards at 6.9 yards per carry, and added 57 yards receiving (including a crucial 44 yard catch on Indiana’s final drive). Coleman left the game in the first half with an injury, and was in fact carted to the locker room before returning for a huge second half performance. No one seems to be sure what the injury is. The defense gave up some big plays (after all, this IS Indiana…), and surrendered over 500 total yards, but hey, scoreboard and whatnot.

The Hoosiers now own the Big Ten’s best non-conference win of the season. If you had that prop bet, you are almost certainly Jamie Mac.

This team is as frightening as: The anti-Michigan. They can score tons of points, but they can’t stop anyone (other than Indiana State. In the rain). Indiana has now given up at least 471 yards in their last nine games against FBS foe, and over 400 yards in their last 16 such games. At the same time, they’ve gone over 440 yards of offense in 13 of their last 15 games.

Somehow this seems like INFINITELY MORE FUN than the other way around. Fear Level = 0

Michigan should worry about: Still Coleman. He leads the nation in yards per game at 189.7 and in all-purpose yards per game at 221.3. Also, Indiana’s absolute defensive numbers agains FBS teams are bad, but much of that is pace-driven. They’re actually only allowing 6.0 yards per attempt through the air. They just get the ball thrown against them a LOT.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Bowling Green, who beat Indiana, just lost to Wisconsin 68-17, in a game in which Wisconsin rushed for 644 yards.

Read that sentence again.

When they play Michigan: Please let this be a shootout. I miss those.

Next game: vs. Maryland (IU -5), 1:30 Saturday (BTN)

Northwestern (1-2, 0-0 B1G)

I cure thee of thy leather neck, son. (AP)

Last game: Beat Western Illinois, 24-7

Recap: Wave the tiniest of tiny flags, Northwestern. You’re on the board.

Hold up. That flag is too big. And garish. Find something smaller.

Northwestern was outgained by the Leathernecks 376-283. They surrendered more first downs, 22-15. The same Western Illinois team that surrendered 289 yards at 10.0 yards per attempt to Tanner “I Can’t Throw A Football With Velocity” McEvoy held Trevor Siemian to 117 yards at 4.7 yards per attempt. Defensively, Northwestern surrendered 292 yard passing.

They're the last Big Ten team to pick up a win, but bowl eligibility remains what the Washington Redskins Kickstarter would call a "stretch goal." Being in the West helps, but their easiest path to a bowl means wins over five of the six games against Purdue (yup), Illinois (okay), Minnesota (maybe), Penn State (maaaaybe), Iowa (lolFerentz) and Michigan (welp). Otherwise they've gotta beat Wisconsin, Nebraska, Notre Dame.

This team is as frightening as: Michigan.

Too soon?

Probably too soon. Fear Level = 0

Michigan should worry about: No team in the last four seasons has won a Division 1 football game without scoring any points. That record may go back farther, but that’s as far back as I looked.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: If any team could manage such a feat at this point, it’s Northwestern.

When they play Michigan:

Next game: @ Penn State (NW +11), 12:00 Saturday (BTN)

Maryland (3-1, 0-0 B1G)

Stefon Diggs in 2nd Quarter action. Probably? (USA Today)

Last game: Beat Syracuse, 34-20

Recap: Maryland pulled the anti-Michigan this week, getting outgained BADLY (589-369) while winning comfortably. The Terps connected on one long 90-yard bomb, scored a few short fields (their other scoring drives were 63, 59, 28, and -3 yards), and corner Will Likely had a pick-6 late in the first half to give Maryland a 31-13 halftime lead.

Maryland had some serious defensive issues in this one. Their previously stout rush defense surrendered 370 yards and 7.46 yards per play to Syracuse despite the fact that Donovan McNabb didn't suit up. 

This team is as frightening as: Failing to make a trip into the red zone in any game against a team with a pulse. Fear Level = 0

Michigan should worry about: Stefon Diggs. Maybe give the safeties some help on him? Please?

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Maryland's defense has surrendered 1283 yards in the last two weeks, so MAYBE Michigan can... no. Probably not.

When they play Michigan: Turtles.

Next game: @ Indiana (MD +5), 1:30 Saturday (BTN)

Ohio State (2-1, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

This team is as frightening as: The prospect of what Michigan's season could look like coming into this game. Fear Level = 0

Michigan should worry about: Curtis Samuel. The freshman running back looks better and more dynamic than Ezekiel Elliot, so if he can earn the coaches' trust on assignments and whatnot, he could be dangerous to Michigan on the edge.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Maybe the rest of the team will mistake Noah Spence's "vitamins" for Tic-Tacs and get suspended... after presumably the most physical practice in the history of football.

When they play Michigan: Hey that's my cooler you can't... never mind you can keep it.

Next game: vs. Cincinnati (OSU -16), 6:00 Saturday (BTN)

Objects in the rearview mirror:

Appalachian State (1-2, 0-0 Sun Belt)

Last game: Lost to Southern Miss, 21-20

Recap: HURRAY MICHIGAN'S BEST WIN.

Next game: @ Georgia Southern (ASU +19), 7:30 Saturday (ESPNU)

Notre Dame (3-0)

Last game: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

Next game: @ Syracuse (ND -13), 8:00 Saturday (ABC)

Miami (NTM) (0-4, 0-0 MAC)

Last game: Lost to Cincinnati, 31-24

Recap: Maybe Miami (NTM), like Akron last year, will turn out to be MARGINALLY better than expected, but in a manner that makes Michigan fans not even want to waive the Northwesternest of tiny flags?

Next game: @ Buffalo (M(NTM) +5), 3:30 Saturday (ESPN3)