The sun had risen, though it was hard to tell through the lingering haze and dust. It all seemed so surreal; they had so recently stood beaming with pride, assuring the peasantry that the claiming of Rutgersland and the conquering of the Turtle People had ensured our long-term security. We had been told that our leaders had won the kind of Lebensraum that would see us through the coming ages. When was that? Had it been a day? A month? Surely it could not have been so long ago.

Some would argue whether the Big Ten had ever really existed at all; that even before The Weekend, the “conference” was merely an idea. A fleeting notion. A foolish homage to the time of 22-personnel and punting from the opponent’s 35 yard line. But whatever it had been, it was no longer. Reports were sketchy, but from all indications the destruction was similar throughout the realm. The borders had been shown to be merely transitory, and the defenses illusory. This was surely not the last incursion, but did it matter? What more damage could be done than had already been done?

Big Life. Big Stage. Big Ten.

About Last Week:

yeah, no

The Road Ahead:

Miami (NTM) (0-2, 0-0 MAC)

Last week: Lost to Eastern Kentucky, 17-10

Recap: The good news for Miami was that they outgained Ohio Valley Conference team Eastern Kentucky 445-280. The bad news was that they turned the ball over six times, including three interceptions from Tommy Hendrix. This runs Miami’s losing streak to 18 games.

This team is as frightening as: A team that has a full compliment of 85 scholarships available, plays a MAC schedule, and hasn’t won a single football game in the last 18 tries. Fear Level = 1.5

Michigan should worry about: Andrew Hendrix is throwing for 338.5 yards per game…

Michigan can sleep soundly about: …at 6.7 yards per attempt. Against Marshall and EKU. Also, if you believe silly superstitions like “reviewing game film,” you should probably feel pretty good.

When they play Michigan: A crowd of “100,000” will get to witness a comfortable, boring win over a terrible opponent.

Next game: at Michigan (-34), 3:30 Saturday (BTN)

[AFTER THE JUMP: Combative dromedaries are the best dromedaries]

Utah (2-0, 0-0 PAC-12)

Last game: Beat Fresno State, 59-27

Recap: Utah has now blown two bad teams out of the water. And while that might not sound impressive, they are the only team on Michigan’s schedule who can say that. Travis Wilson threw five touchdown passes in barely over two quarters of action. He’s currently throwing for 11.7 yards per attempt (4th best in the country) and hasn’t thrown a pick.

This team is as frightening as: A bag of Combos under a crate being propped up by a stick. A string is tied to the stick. You know this seems suspicious. But... Combos. Fear Level = 6.5

Michigan should worry about: Utah gets a bye week to prepare for their trip to the Big House.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Uh… I dunno. Seriously, this game scares me a lot. A lot a lot. They look like a real football team. I don’t know what to make of their competition, but…

I don’t want to be a #HotTake alarmist, but there is a universe in which the game recaps written next week read an awful lot like eulogies.

When they play Michigan: PLEASE WIN THIS GAME PLEASE.

Next game: Bye

Minnesota (2-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Middle Tennessee State, 35-24

Recap: This one wasn’t really as close as the score indicates, but was also closer than the score indicates. Minnesota was up 28-0 at the half and MTSU didn’t get back within two scores until there were 45 seconds left in the game, but MTSU actually outgained Minnesota by nearly a hundred yards (445-351).

The major takeaway here was that Minnesota either can’t or won’t throw the ball. Wait… is “both” an option? Okay, then that’s the winner. They can’t AND won’t throw the ball. Mitch Leidner was 5/11 for 67 yards  (6.1 YPA) with a TD and a pick. Minnesota did not complete a pass in the second half, with Leidner going 0-2. In the whole G**DAMN HALF. Through two games, Minnesota has completed 15 passes.

This team is as frightening as: Facing Derek Zoolander in a walk-off. Sure, he can impress David Bowie and Billy Zane with his running game, but if you make him turn left and he’ll end up falling over. Fear Level = 5

Michigan should worry about: David Cobb. Despite the fact that EVERYONE knows Minnesota is gonna run the ball, he’s averaging 6.8 yards per carry. He’s currently on pace for over 250 carries (and 1750 yards… but no). Despite the return of Donnell Kirkwood, Cobb is going to be a bell cow this year.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Unstoppable Mini-Braylon was the only Minnesota back who WASN’T effective (6 carries for 17 yards), decreasing the risk of SO much Twitter told-you-so in a few weeks.

When they play Michigan: You will not have flashbacks to Everett Golson.

Next game: at TCU (-16), 4:00 Saturday (Fox Sports 1)

Rutgers (2-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Howard, 38-25

One of these guys, I think

Recap: A carbon copy of the Minnesota game. Rutgers jumped out to a big halftime lead (31-7), and though Howard closed the gap late the outcome was never really in doubt. Howard outgained Rutgers (427-397), though that was largely the result of a couple of fourth quarter drives that were pretty meaningless. Gary Nova threw for 288 yards on only 22 attempts, though 100 of those yards came from two passes to running back Paul James.

I suppose it’s worth noting that Howard lost their opener to Akron 41-0. It’s probably also relevant that Washington State lost to Nevada 24-13 and Cougar quarterback Connor Halliday threw for 6.8 YPA and 1 TD against 2 picks, suggesting that Rutgers’ quasi-hyped (or not thoroughly mocked) opening week win may not be too impressive after all, and that their Air Raid de-pantalooning was really, really bad.

This team is as frightening as: Being attacked by a gang consisting exclusively of guys named Howard. Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: Leonte Carroo. He doesn’t catch many passes, but he now has 11 TDs on 35 career catches. Which is many. (h/t Drew Hallett).

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Rutgers is 115th of 127 teams in yards per play allowed.

When they play Michigan: They will be taking on a coach with a shiny new two-year extension. Because once you've beaten Howard, you've really planted a flag.

Next game: vs. Penn State (-4), 8:00 Saturday (BTN)

Penn State (2-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Akron, 21-3

Recap: Despite the fact that Akron is terrible (SHUT UP YES I REMEMBER), they managed to hang around with Penn State into the fourth quarter. The recipe was familiar: Christian Hackenberg was pretty good, but made a few really bad throws and got no help whatsoever from his running game or offensive line.

The bigger news is that Penn State had its bowl eligibility and scholarship allotment reinstated. Penn State, of course reacted with the kind of thoughtful calm we have come to expect from OH F*** IT LET’S GO MATTRESS SURFING.

This team is as frightening as: Being subjected to the fickle whims of the NCAA.  Fear Level = 7

Michigan should worry about: If Penn State was right all along about the massive conspiracy, and the conspiracy is starting to unravel, then the next thing we're going to see is the referees suddenly calling the THOUSANDS of uncalled penalties against Michigan that they have been letting slide because aliens.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Penn State is running for 2.76 yards per carry, which sucks, and for 3.27 yards per real carry (non-QB, non-kneeldown) which is dead last in the conference. I'm not sure how that can be explained by even the deepest conspiracy.

When they play Michigan: UNDER THE LIGHTS THREE. In which Penn State is Clubber Lang?

Next game: at Rutgers (+4), 8:00 Saturday (BTN)

Michigan State (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Lost at Oregon, 46-27

Recap: Rarely do we say that a losing team had the best showing from a conference in a given week, especially when that loss was by 19 points. But State’s loss to Oregon was EASILY the Big Ten’s best least embarrassing. They actually held a 9 point second half lead before Oregon does the thing that Oregon does.

Connor Cook is really becoming a solid quarterback. Oregon’s defense isn’t fantastic, but they have a couple of solid corners (including likely first-rounder Ifo Ekpre-Olomo, who the Lions should definitely draft). Cook was put in the unusual position of having to keep up in a shootout, and he performed well. Dammit.

The bad news for Michigan State, of course, is that they didn’t quite keep it close enough to look like a really good performance at the end of the year, and they play in the Big Ten, so their shot at a CFB Playoff berth just vanished.

This team is as frightening as: HG Wells said that in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. In this case, the Big Ten is the country of blind little people with bad breath, and Michigan State has a mild astigmatism or something. Like, they need reading glasses or have some sub-par night vision. Fear Level = 9.3

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Oregon scored 46 points on Michigan State’s vaunted defense.

Michigan should worry about: I tried to extrapolate Michigan’s likely output against Michigan State by doing a unit conversion from “points scored by Oregon at home” to “points scored by Michigan on the road,” and I broke math. So I asked my computer to do the same calculation. My computer asked why. I explained. And my computer laughed and laughed. But then he found me some GIFs of animals doing cute stuff, so we’re cool now.

When they play Michigan: Diversify your holdings. Add gin.

Next game: Bye

Indiana (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: BYE

Recap: No recap. Bye.

So we’re not going to talk about them? No.

Why? Because we lack new data; they didn’t play, and neither did their Week One opponent (Indiana State). Therefore any speculation would be baseless.

This is the internet, sir: Fair point.

Next game: at Bowling Green (+8), 12:00 Saturday (ESPNU)

Northwestern (0-2, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Lost to Northern Illinois, 23-15

Recap: The saddest part of this is that it didn’t feel like an upset. Wait. Saddest isn’t the right word. Funniest. The FUNNIEST part is that it didn’t feel like an upset. Through two games, it’s hard to identify anything Northwestern does well, ESPECIALLY on offense. Trevor Siemian is averaging 5.8 YPA. Their running backs are averaging under 3.7 yards per carry. They are 107^th in the country in yards per play. They’re just all-around bad.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, they have angered the gypsy. In addition to Christian Jones and Venric Mark, Tony Jones missed this game, and Trevor Siemian hurt his knee in the fourth quarter (though is reportedly okay).

This team is as frightening as:

Fear Level = 3.5

Michigan should worry about: Kyle Prater recorded 7 catches for 92 yards and a TD. /Ron Paul It’s Happening dot gif

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Northwestern has now lost nine of their last ten games, with six of those losses coming at home. Ryan Field is not Notre Dame Stadium.

When they play Michigan: Don’t stop clubbing, baby seals.

Next game: Bye

Maryland (2-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat South Florida, 24-17

Recap: This was a bit of a trap game for Maryland, insofar as someone put a rake in the middle of a field and said “HEY MARYLAND WATCH OUT FOR THIS RAKE” and put up a little sign that said “here is the rake.” South Florida squeeked by with a 36-31 win over Western Carolina in week one, and is coming off of a 2-10 season (in which they got blown out by McNeese State, FAU, and Rutgers). Maryland responded by putting up 4.66 yards per play and scoring 17 offensive points. It didn’t help that they turned the ball over six (!) times.

They are averaging 5.15 yards per play thus far (92^nd in the country, between Ohio and UMass) despite playing two abysmal teams. In any other week, we would be laughing at Maryland pretty hard. This week, they’re just a footnote.

This team is as frightening as: An otter with a bazooka. They have plenty of firepower and seemingly no idea how to use it. But if they eventually figure out how to trigger it… Fear Level = 6.

Michigan should worry about: Maryland is 11^th in the country in yards per pass against at 4.3 YPA, and hasn’t allowed a passing touchdown.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: There are so many things to worry about between now and then, just relax. If you’re losing sleep over MARYLAND at this point, Jim Delany has already won.

When they play Michigan: Watch out for the rake, guys.

Next game: vs. West Virginia (+4)

Ohio State (1-1, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Lost to Virginia Tech, 35-21

Recap: Alas, the hundred year blood-reign of Urban Meyer suffered its first home defeat, dropping a rather blasé game to the Hokies. After falling behind 21-7, Ohio State managed to tie the game early in the fourth quarter with a long touchdown drive and a forced VT turnover that led to a touchdown. But then Bud Foster had a Braylon-against-MSU-style light bulb illuminate over his head that said “gee, their offensive line can’t block anyone, so let’s just go tackle the QB.” The Buckeyes surrendered six sacks for a loss of 47 yards in the last 9 minutes.

The Ohio State faithful put down their JT Barrett For Heisman signs and picked up their JT Barrett For Out Of Town torches and pitchforks in record time. In fairness, Barrett was only 9 of 29 for 219 yards and a TD against 3 picks, but much of it wasn’t his fault. His receivers got very little separation all day, and when they did they struggles to catch the ball. Also, as mentioned, his offensive line was TERRIBLE. The running backs racked up 53 yards on 15 carries, and it was in fact Barrett who posed the only real threat on the ground (sacks removed, he finished with 124 yards on 17 carries).

Ohio State’s running game is the real problem. Virginia Tech employed a CHYYYAAAAARRRRGEEE defense, getting guys upfield on the edges on every play and forcing things back inside. Last year, Carlos Hyde could simply pound the ball inside, but they just aren’t getting any movement this year. This bodes very poorly for Ohio State against, say, Michigan State, who can play a similar style of defense.

This team is as frightening as: Coaching for your job in the last game of the year? Fear Level = 8

Michigan should worry about: Michigan just tried to play a similar style against Notre Dame as the Hokies did against OSU. It, uh… yeah.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Last year, Ohio State averaged 7.2 yards per carry from non-QBs. This year, that number is 4.4 yards per carry.

When they play Michigan: Jabrill Peppers and Ray Taylor had better be healthy.

Next game: vs. Kent State (+32), 12:00 Saturday (ABC/ESPN2)

Objects in the rearview mirror:

Appalachian State (1-1, 0-0 Sun Belt)

Last game: Beat the Campbell Fighting Camels, 66-0

Recap: App State rebounded nicely with a rout of the Campbell Fighting Camels. They held the Fighting Camels to 95 yards of offense, and put up 538 yards on the Fighting Camels defense.

If you took anything away from the previous paragraph other than “Fighting Camels,” I apologize.

Fighting Camels.

Next game: Bye