Hello again. That was fun. Let’s do it again. Unfortunately, we didn’t learn much this week because everyone played cupcakes, soup cans, and assorted other non-challenging foodstuffs.

About Last Week:

Yep. That’s what you did. (h/t Ace, obviously)

The Road Ahead:

Notre Dame (1-0, 0-0 quasi-ACC)

Last week: Beat Rice (48-17)

Recap: Rice kept it close for a while (it was 14-10 late in the first half), and then it really really wasn’t close. Everett Golson threw for 295 yards at 13.4 YPA and 2 TDs, and ran for three more scores. Rice just wasn’t athletic enough to hang with ND’s playmakers. The Owls did average 8.7 yards per pass, which would have been their third best average last year ago.

But while this was an encouraging debut for the Irish, the hole they’re digging continues to get deeper. Safety Eilar Hardy was suspended in the ongoing EYES ON YOUR OWN PAPER situation, and starting safety Austin Collinsworth sprained an MCL. As a result, Notre Dame’s defensive two-deep now features… you. Congratulations. Suit up. And please do your own homework.

This team is as frightening as:

 Fear Level = 7

Michigan should worry about: There’s still a chance Notre Dame un-suspends these players, which will be in no way related to the fact that they are playing Michigan this week.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Even if they DO reinstate these guys, they will get one real practice (at most) after sitting out of practice for weeks. So they almost certainly won’t play, and if they do they will be rusty as hell.

When they play Michigan: The all-time win percentage will be on the line… until Notre Dame vacates a bunch of wins.

Next game: vs. Michigan, 7:30 p.m. Saturday (NBC)

[We jump, and then I have to pretend I learned something from Utah-Idaho State]

Miami (NTM) (0-1, 0-0 MAC)

Last week: Lost to Marshall (42-27)

Recap: Miami lost, which is entirely expected. But they didn’t lose by THAT much, so I guess it could have been worse. Former Notre Dame backup quarterback Andrew Hendrix threw for 318 yards and rushed for 46 more.

This team is as frightening as: A Notre Dame backup quarterback on a team coached by a former Notre Dame assistant. Fear Level = 2

Michigan should worry about: Complacency? Team-wide diarrhea?

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Miami has lost 17 games in a row, and hasn’t beaten a major conference team since 2010.

When they play Michigan: You will have to care. This will be more challenging than you might have imagined.

Next game: vs. Eastern Kentucky, 3:30 p.m. Saturday (ESPN3 but don’t watch this)

Utah (1-0, 0-0 PAC-12)

Last game: Beat Idaho State (56-14)

Recap: Utah showed a pulse. Starter Travis Wilson threw for 265 yards (14.7 YPA) in about 30 seconds of action. However, Idaho State is terrible. They haven’t won more than three games in a season since 2005 at the FCS level. But Idaho State is the third best football school in the 14th largest state in the country, which has to count for something.

Pictured: Idaho

Sorry. I’m vamping. We learned absolutely nothing from this game, but we are contractually obligated to cover it. So, a few more words and we can move on to the next team, which should be pretty soon now. Is that enough? I think that’s enough. We can probably more on now. Yep. Time to move on.

This team is as frightening as: Again: we learned nothing, so we’ll stick with “a generic non-terrible team.” Fear Level = 5

Michigan should worry about: Running back Devontae Booker. He is very, very fast.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Utah lost the time of possession battle against the Idaho State by nearly 10 minutes. Which I’m sure means something.

When they play Michigan: Admiral Ackbar, man. Admiral Ackbar.

Next game: vs. Fresno State, 3:00 Saturday (Pac-12 Network)

Minnesota (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Eastern Illinois (42-20)

Recap: For the second year in a row, Minnesota won its opener in comfortable fashion despite being outgained by an unimpressive opponent. Last year it was a 51-23 win over UNLV, and this year it is the mighty EIU Panthers. If Eastern Illinois didn’t have three turnovers of the very un-forced variety, and didn’t have a punt block returned for a touchdown, there’s an alternate universe not far from here in which Minnesota loses this game.

The troubles on offense weren’t hard to pin down: Mitch Leidner is NOT good at throwing the hand-egg. Leidner threw for only 144 yards on 17 attempts, and even those numbers are generous. Minnesota’s lone touchdown is probably an interception against a team with a pulse; it was a 12 yard hitch that Leidner stared down the entire time, and which the corner hesitated on and still nearly beat the receiver to the ball.  I really wish they would go back to the anonymous coach who would rather play Michigan than Minnesota and ask him the same question again.

This team is as frightening as: A glacier. Fear Level = 5

Michigan should worry about: Berkley Edwards. Braylon’s speedy younger brother scored two touchdowns on four carries, including a 42-yard scamper. He’s probably the one guy on Minnesota’s roster who can really force the defense to defend sideline to sideline. Between that and the fact that they just gave away Braylon’s*  #1 jersey, I don’t know what kind of narratives are going to arise.

*Note: insert eye roll here.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Leidner was pretty much outplayed by former Minnesota (and current Jacksonville State) QB Max Shortell, and Shortell was playing Michigan State’s defense.

When they play Michigan: Michigan puts at least 8 in the box all day.

Next game: vs. Middle Tennessee State, 3:30 p.m. (BTN)

Rutgers (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Washington State (41-38)

Recap: We all made fun of Rutgers pass defense, but they shut us up by holding Washington State to a mere 532 yards passing, 71.4% completions, and 5 passing touchdowns. The Big Ten, for this reason and NO OTHER REASONS WHATSOEVER, named Rutgers free safety Johnathan Aiken the Big Ten Defensive Player of the Week. After all, he did have seven tackles, and some of those weren’t the result of getting beaten on a route and dragging a guy down from behind. Probably. But yeah, Rutgers’ pass defense was exactly as advertised. Washington State threw the ball 56 times, and not once did a Rutgers defender get underneath an in-cutting route. Slants. Skinny posts. Digs. Rutgers stayed on top of EVERYTHING. And they were absolutely shredded.

The Gary Nova-led offense wasn’t terrible; 10.4 yards per pass and 5.0 yards per rush are respectable numbers. Nova made a few hilarious decisions (including a brutal pick), but overall wasn’t terrible. Running back Paul James in particular was very impressive, running for 173 yards at 6 yards per carry, many of which he generated by himself.

This team is as frightening as: The prospect of having to write about Rutgers for, like, a long time.  Fear Level = 3.5

Michigan should worry about: James. Rutgers is going to need a sustainable ground game if they aren’t going to get completely blown out of the water, and James is the kind of back who can keep Rutgers ahead of the chains. Or at least not way behind the chains. All the time.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: There’s no way Johnathan Aiken has another heroic performance in him like the one he put forth on Saturday.

When they play Michigan: Devin Funchess is going to have fun.

Next game: vs. Howard, 12:00 p.m. (BTN)

Penn State (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Devin knows that feel, bro (Joe Hermitt/Patriot-News)

Last game: Beat UCF (26-24)

Recap: Christian Hackenberg.

Seriously, that’s it.

Hackenberg threw for 454 yards at 9.7 yards per attempt, despite getting no real help. The Penn State offensive line was a sieve all day, and as a result Hack was constantly getting hit. The running game was nearly non-existent; Zack Zwinak and Bill Belton combined for 48 yards on 22 carries.   However, Penn State managed to put together enough big plays, like a 79-yard touchdown to Geno Lewis (albeit on a coverage bust) to pull out a last-second win. The game probably shouldn’t have been close; Penn State outgained UCF more than 2-to-1 (511 yards to 246), but the Nittany Lions had three turnovers, including two bad picks from Hackenberg.

This team is as frightening as: 2013 Michigan. A pretty good quarterback asked to shoulder the entire offensive load despite being pummeled repeatedly about the head and chest. If Hack is still alive and upright, this will be interesting. But Michigan’s interior defensive line will be pinning its ears back, licking its chops, and doing various other aggression-indicating bodily stuff.  Fear Level = 7

Michigan should worry about: DaeSean Hamilton. The redshirt freshman wide receiver may replace Allen Robinson as Hackenberg’s binkie, making 11 catches for 165 yards.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: We saw what can happen to a quarterback’s effectiveness over the course of a season if his initial line of protection is his ribcage.

When they play Michigan: Don’t bite on the double-moves.

Next game: vs. Akron, 12:00 p.m. (ABC/ESPN2)

Michigan State (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Jacksonville State (45-7)

Recap: Jacksonville State hung around for about three minutes, but then they did two things that were ill-advised. They left Tony Lippett wide open on a go route, and they took a cheap shot at Connor Cook’s knee:

And that was all she wrote. Sparty was up 7-0 after this play and 38-0 at the half, and cruised to an easy 45-7 win. The lesson here is that Sparty plays really well when they feel aggrieved.  The bad news is that everything makes Sparty feel aggrieved, especially if that thing is in any way associated with maize, blue, Ann Arbor, or siblings.

Other than that, we didn’t really learn much about Sparty this week. However, they head out to Autzen this weekend to play Oregon, and it should be among the more interesting matchups of the non-conference season.

This team is as frightening as: Being audited by the IRS. If you’re Rudy. Fear Level = 9

Michigan should worry about: Connor Cook looked awfully sharp, even considering the quality of the opponent.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Based on this game, it appears that State’s secondary might be really good, which would be several notches below the Sowers of MurderDeathKill that have roved the MSU defensive backfield in recent years.

When they play Michigan: Despite my admonitions, you still have not acquired sufficient whiskey. Remedy this forthwith.

Next game: at Oregon, 6:30 p.m. (FOX)

Indiana (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Indiana State (28-10)

Recap: Last year, Indiana opened its season with a 73-35 win over Indiana State. This year’s result was a much more mundane 28-10 affair. The Hoosiers still managed to put up 566 yards of offense, though weirdly only 111 of those yards were passing yards. And yes, Captain Subtraction, that means that Indiana rushed for 455 yards, which is good for 3rd in the country. Tevin Coleman ran for 247 yards and 2 TDs on only 23 carries, including a 73 yarder:

However, we criminally buried the lede here: I know we’re only through Week One, but as of now, Indiana is 9th in the country in total defense.

It's happening, folks. Embrace the chaos.

This team is as frightening as: Competent but underwhelming ground-based offense and a dominant, all-encompassing defense? Oh, crap. They’re Michigan State. Fear Level = 5

Michigan should worry about: Tevin Coleman and D’Angelo Roberts looked like the best running back tandem in the Big Ten, and will shatter every rushing record ever established if Indiana can manage to schedule the Sycamores 11 more times.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Nate Sudfeld only threw for 6.2 yards per attempt. It’s possible that losing three of his top targets will blunt the Kevin Wilson 100% Good-Time Family Passing Solution.

When they play Michigan: HOT TAKE: Indiana will probably not be the #9 defense in the country by that point.

Next game: BYE

Northwestern (0-1, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Lost to Cal (31-24)

Recap: Cal did not defeat a single FBS team last year, and had lost 16 consecutive games to FBS teams coming into this game. They finished 106th in FEI, behind Troy, Akron, and Wyoming. They were outscored by FBS opponents 521-239. Trailing this team 31-7 is a red flag at best.  Truth be told, it’s probably already a white flag.

Northwestern’s offense is going to have some serious problems this year. Without Kain Colter or Venric Mark, they can’t generate any serious threat on the edges. Cal was able to stack the middle of the defense, safe in the knowledge that UTG Trevor Siemian wasn’t going to be keeping the ball on any of the read option looks Northwestern attempted.

This team is as frightening as:

 Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: Maybe Northwestern’s defense is really SUPER DOMINANT, and once everyone is using the same play-calling wristbands, they shall unleash hell upon the B1G.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Unless Traevon Henry was using a wristband that said “run slowly,” the problem lies elsewhere.

When they play Michigan: This one has been moved firmly from the “toss-up” category to the “leaning Michigan” category. Another performance like this and it will move into the “likely Michigan” category.

Next game: Northern Illinois, 3:30 p.m. (BTN)

Maryland (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat James Madison (52-7)

Recap: Despite the top-line number, Maryland just had an okay day offensively against James Madison. C.J. Brown only threw for 4.6 yards per attempt and completed less than 50% of his passes. Brown did rush for 61 yards and 3 TDs, though and as a team Rutgers rushed for 285 yards at 5.7 yards per carry.

I refuse to extrapolate further, because James Madison.

This team is as frightening as: Having your house ransacked by the British. Don’t worry, your wife grabbed the painting. Fear Level = 6.5

Michigan should worry about: Maryland held James Madison quarterback Vad Lee to 3.8 yards per pass.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: There is a >50% chance than Devin Gardner is better than James Madison quarterback Vad Lee.

When they play Michigan: This one scares me unreasonably. Gird thy loins.

Next game: at South Florida, 3:30 p.m. (CBS Sports Network)

Ohio State (1-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Navy (34-17)

Recap: Ohio State picked up right where they left off in 2013: giving up epic yardage in new and impressive ways. This week they surrendered 370 yards rushing to Navy at 5.9 yards per carry. They managed to hold on for the win, though, thanks to a gift of a 61 yard fumble return and an 80-yard bomb to Devin Smith. J.T. Barrett was pretty good for a first-time starter, though he did throw a terrible red zone pick.

This team is as frightening as: DOOOOOOOOOOOM. Fear Level = 8

Michigan should worry about: Ohio State clearly got their “close call” out of the way, and will now cruise to an undefeated season.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Michigan has like three months before their inevitable annihilation.

When they play Michigan: Will JT Barrett be too distracted by the Heisman hype? Or will it unite the team?

Next game: vs. Virginia Tech, 8:00 p.m. (ESPN)

Objects in the rearview mirror: