Ask Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann

Ask Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann is a syndicated column found in newspapers across the country. Universal Syndication, Inc., is not responsible for the content, opinions, punctuation, or ethics espoused in this column. Ask Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann should not be relied upon for advice. She threw volleyballs at us until we let her do this. Please, someone stop her. We need… a hero.

Dear Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann,

Hi! I'm a journalism student. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I'm ready to take on the world. Where do you think I should apply for a job?

-Go-Getter

GG, I hope you die. I hope you die in a tower of fire a thousand feet tall, writhing in agony as I watch. I'll throw volleyballs at you even though I know they'll be incinerated by the tower of flame before they reach you because I just love throwing volleyballs at people, cackling madly as your body burns to a cinder. You'll smell of crisp pork; I will start salivating involuntarily; after you have vaporized I will go get barbecue.

Good luck in your search.

Dear Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann,

I seem to be having trouble making my offensive line do anything at all. They just sit there, wondering what to do, and I fear that if they do not improve I will be fired. What's the best way to motivate your charges?

-BH

BH, I've always found that aggressive leadership paves the way to success. If they do not respond to simple commands, taunting people about their probably-very-real learning disabilities inspires action. Nobody wants to be the team Lenny. I assume the pillar of flame is out since you need these people to save your ass, so if that doesn't work try calling them alcoholics and whores. (Note: "whores" is mostly effective against women, so you may want to change it up for men. Try "sea buffalo crack baby," "the Antichrist except stupid," or "Charlie Weis.")

If these motivational tactics don't work, wholesale purges are necessary. My "lawyers" have forced me to cut this paragraph down from 15000 words of detailed instruction, so in lieu of the master plan please just google "Joseph Stalin wiki."

Dear Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann,

We have experienced a tragedy in our family that has left one of our sons disabled but defiant. An inspiration to all who meet him, we were looking for the best way to publicize his story, so he can live his life as he might have if his legs had not been so cruelly taken from him. Advice?

-Persisting Through Pain, The Parent

PTPTP, I have a terrific idea. As athletic director of Rutgers University I have some not-insignificant pull around here. Why doesn't your son come in and give a commencement speech to our graduates? Great! We are all agreed. Let's just get this contract signed and then…

/yoink

…oh, sorry about that, must have been a gust of wind. Let's just get this contract signed and then…

/yoink

…getting a little impatient here, PTPTP, we're going to have to get this done pretty soon…

/yoink

…HAHAHA he's sooooo slow it's like he doesn't even have a spiiiiine

…

Hey, do you guys want to donate?

Dear Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann,

I crave your very presence. I need you in my life, Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann. I need your great giant… demographics. I think about tenderly stroking your skyscrapers. No, Julie, no. Don't tell me about Rutgers. Tell me about the world.

-Certainly Not Jim Delany

I may have some sort of disease that makes me incapable of perceiving the appropriate thing to say in any social situation, CNJD, but even I know enough to not talk about the various accomplishments of Rutgers athletics to someone interested in having Rutgers athletics in their conference.

Dear Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Herrmann,

For years I have been plagued with voices that I know are not real but tell me to do and say unspeakable things to the people around me. I worry that one day I will no longer be able to distinguish reality from fiction and do something terrible, but I also fear that revealing my disease will get me fired from my job and accelerate my downward spiral. What should I do?

-Hearing Voices

HV, I have it on good authority that Rutgers will be looking for a new athletic director soon and you sound like the perfect candidate.