Upchurch
What is Hoke pointing at?
Option 1: Dick Vitale with stitches on his nose. Deadspin rumors are often just that, but I have it from the guy who was walking ahead of Dickie V when this occurred that the account of announcer meeting glass before the Ohio State game is mostly true. Variations: it happened more like an hour and half (as opposed to just-) before the game, and it was the glass next to the door (not the glass door itself) that transferred Dickie's forward momentum into Dickie's face in much the same way that air wouldn't have. Tirico 
behind him stood stunned for a moment before he registered Vitale was possibly really hurt. Staff sat him down in a side room at Crisler and then released him to do the broadcast, which given the circumstances I admit is pretty boss. Usefulness of this knowledge to you is minimal unless you were among those particularly annoyed by the inanity of Vitale's color commentary, but it is important if you are to fully appreciate this epic comment by suspected MGoReader "snoop-a-loop":
University of Michigan Emergency Department
Date: 2013/02/05
Time: 19:01
Patient: Vitale, Dick 73M
Chief Complaint:"I WALKED INTO A PANE OF LAMINATED SAFETY GLASS! THAT THING WAS SOME OF THE HARDEST GLASS EVER! THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A MALFUNCTIONING SENSOR! COMPLETE REJECTION BABY!"
Option 2: I think he just recognized something and is like "hey that totally reminds me of…
."
I'm giving Max an epic basketball Hoke point for this photo essay that matches the iconic Fab Five pics to the 2012-'13 team doing the similar things. Judging by how long it took me to match the four above I figure this took quite a while longer than it looks. 100 more points to whoever can find a Game…Blouses from 20 years ago. Closest I can find so far:
.
Companion piece is GOLBOGM's well-written look at each of the main players (by position) on this year's team up through the Indiana game. He also put together a rundown of the remaining schedules among Big Ten contenders, though it needs an 
update after last night. Profile says this guy's only had an account for 11 weeks but I've seen him popping up with great comments in various threads, so keep an eye out for the guy with the Hoke RAWR '97 avatar:
LSAClassOf2000 wrapped up Basketball History Week with a comparison of the current team vs. all those since the last national championship squad. Before going on a charting binge he posted a direct statistical comparison of averages which I must front-page:
| Stat | 1988-2012 | Current Team |
|---|---|---|
| FG% | 45.80% | 50.50% |
| 3PT% | 35.10% | 40.20% |
| FT% | 70.80% | 70.50% |
| Rebounds / Game | 35.6 | 36.4 |
| Assists /Game | 14.2 | 15.4 |
| Points Per Game | 71.9 | 77.8 |
| Offensive Eff. | 1.008 | 1.181 |
| Defensive Eff. | 0.993 | 0.915 |
| Off. Rebound % | 31.80% | 31.40% |
| Def. Rebound % | 68.80% | 74.60% |
The mean of 1989+Fisher+Ellerbe+Amaker+Beilein-to-2012 is not a stat (I'm building a new hoops database which I intend to break that up a bit better), but this is how we feel about the basketball team in a nutshell. Free throws and offensive rebounding are sore spots but on par with our typical teams. Where these guys differentiate themselves is they make their shots and win the board battles on defense. Defensive efficiency is down less than offensive efficiency has run off the charts, and the result is 1 more point for every four (total) possessions than we're used to.
I am highly unlikely to devour something unpleasant. These SEC schools with sudden and inexplicable five-star windfalls need to be stopped says AC1997; getting Ole Miss to pee in a cup is harder than it sounds, replies Zone Left. I co-sign the thing about how 
it's hard for anyone but a journalist with an agenda to uncover evidence—players don't rat, fellow students have no interest in Bartman'ing their own teams, and everybody at the program level has dirt on everybody else. I'll add it's even harder to get a laughably incompetent and profit-motivated NCAA to investigate without tripping over itself, or to sanction to a degree that it's any kind of deterrent.
In this regulatory environment Urban Meyer is technically right in calling out the rest of the conference for its miserly ways. "…I mean we're giving out cars and cash all over the country and you can't match a few grand to a five-star receiver in your backyard?"
Mathletepointed out yesterday that it's just the top of Mississippi's class that's noticeably different from their historical hauls. I take it as more circumstantial evidence that something was fishy about the top guys, since a "Freeze is just a better recruiter" or "players think Ole Miss is on the up" explanation should have seen a more even distribution of success. There was no across-the-board greater interest in Ole Miss this year among 4-stars, which is the greatest indicator that a program is recruiting at a higher level. Rather they got the same 3-stars they always get, and to that added a ridiculous success rate among the elite of the elite. If this happened naturally I'll eat something unpleasant—let's make it the sleeve of an MGoShirt if no evidence emerges in the next four years because I'm not sure I want to bet the entire digestive tract on how poorly Ole Miss can cover their tracks a lemon because there's already a tag for that. I'm guessing what happened is like in Blue Chips, where Ole Miss decided to leap into a game they figured everybody else was playing, and got burned by Superman III- slash Office Space-level over-success.
Etc. Primer on Lacrosse opponents. Mock Rock videos—chatster points out that the native dance Sione Houma and the football team are doing is the Haka from New Zealand's Maori, but nobody knows where they got if form—perhaps Russell Crowe is hovering around the program again?
[Hit THE JUMP for the board stuff, and why I am suddenly a huge fan of Michigan's rowing team.]
Best of the Board
MAYBE NEXT YOU SHOULD ASK HOW CUTE CATS ARE
If you are writing a research paper and need helpful, considered, and informed opinions, the best place to find them is on a completely biased internet board. Head there now and help this little girl prove that [people on the internet think] the SEC is dirty.
SOMEBODY GET REON DAWSON ON A BUS WITH KEVIN COSTNER, STAT
The freshman will learn things before he graduates from Michigan, like not to let anybody know he's still a fan of his hometown team which is our biggest rival. Board predictably goes apeshit. First attempt at a fix did not go well. I should mention anyone who is really taking this seriously or throwing bombs at this kid will be treated severely. Anyway would you rather he be in Ohio State's bed shouting our name, or in our bed shouting theirs? Wait that's a bad analogy, but damn that's a great movie.
MCGARY vs. MORGAN vs. HORFORD IN QUANTIFIABLE THINGS
If you are measuring McGary on tangibles you are probably doing it wrong. Anyway robbyt003's updated stat lines are worth the 14 seconds it'll take you to read them.
MINUSING ALL THE POINTS AROUND THE WORLD.
Butterfield is keeping up with Tony Gibson, who is leaving Zona to coach safeties back at WVU and taking some commits with him. Michigan fans are all like "Wait you can have Rodriguez without Gibson? I want my money back!" West Virginia fans must be like "so do we hate him now?" Over/under on columns that mention Mundy instead of all the evidence in the world that he's a terrible coach is set at 16.
SIGNING DAY PRESS CONFERENCE VIDEO.
Has been posted to the board and picked apart. Something about eugenics is in there. You can tell Heiko's questions because they're not softballs.
Your Moment of Zen:
The Mock Rock winner is…
…rowing. Next year athletes we want to see some MUPPETS!